I had a profound thought in the shower this morning. I always have my best thoughts in the shower.

Jesus is like a bar of soap.

A bar of soap can clean many dirty hands, bodies, clothes, etc, without ever getting dirty itself. Jesus came down to our foul and nasty world and started clean us on the inside, one by one. And he never took on our messes. 

A washcloth, for instance, does take on our messes. Or a paper towel. You use them to soak up the mess, to move it to where its more acceptable. Just like drug, sex, and alcohol addictions. Just like medications for five year olds. Just like our smaller ticks and habits and addictions that go unnoticed. We use our earthly means to move our pain and our dysfunction to somewhere where its more acceptable. Where it can’t be seen. It’s still there, and it’s still a mess.

We can’t clean ourselves.

Don’t we wish we could?

“Going mad is a luxury the middle class cannot afford.”

Jen

I heard Claire on the phone this morning when I was cleaning my room. I think she thought I was outside because she was talking pretty loudly. Or maybe she wanted me to hear her..

She must have been on the phone to her Mum. They were talking about our place and I suppose her mum asked her how everything is going. It was then I heard something that I really didnt want to hear.

Claire wants to ask me to move out.

She said that she can’t get any sleep because she can hear me making noises throughout the night and early in the morning and she doesnt enjoy living with me anymore. She said it isnt like it used to be, where my habits were annoying, but they didnt interfere with her life. She could still do her everyday things without worrying about mess or without me cleaning up after her and putting her things away without asking her. She said that she wanted me to get help because she doesnt want to see her friend deteriorate in front of her eyes.

I dont know what her Mum said to that, but I sat in the corner of my room with my fingers in my ears for what seemed like hours. When I took them out, Claire was off the phone.

I haven’t left my room all day. Its now nighttime. I don’t want to go out because I dont want Claire to ask me to leave. That would be the worst thing that could happen. I need Claire.

I’ve already scrubbed the floors of my room today but I can see they are still dirty, so I’m going to do them again. I really want to wash myself because I feel so dirty for hearing Claire’s conversation, but I dont want to go out there. I think I’ll just use some cleaning product on my body as well. If it can get dirt out of the floor, then it can get dirt out of my body.

yep.  i love the feeling of being clean. one in the morning, one in the afternoon, and one 15 minutes ago.  I like smelling good.  spraying on perfume and body spray is no where near as good.  its like faking it.  i also hate being sticky.  going to sleep and feeling all icky is especially gross. 

it rained today. i was reading in the park, and so i sat in the rain for like 10 minutes.  just sat there. put away my book, closed my eyes, and LET THE RAIN FALL.  i know, what a loser right?  its friday afternoon and kerri’s reading in the park by herself. but you know what?  i don’t care.  i love reading.  and, i actually enjoy my alone time.  i know some kids would rather kill themselves than spend their weekend alone.  i can easily do it.  just, i can’t be alone for TOO long  otherwise i go insaneee. 

while it was raining saw this crazy hobo lady running at me and i was like OH SHIT, thats the one the one that chased me up the stairs in ala moana.  so i started running too, away from her.  but of course she caught up to me.  so we started talking and just running together in the rain.  i told her my name is marie and she said she was born in japan and lived in utah.  crazy hobos.  i think she was just lonely and wanted someone to talk to.  i definetly know that feeling. so, i ended up running around ala moana park  with her for a while. 

lifes been complicated.  im still confused as hell and i have no idea to what to do.  men cannot be trusted.  i need somebody genuine.  i just fixed my rockband drums with the power of duct tape, but i think i got water in my phone so its broken